The Truth about Really Skinny
in Uncategorized
When my relationship with the Father of our young son dissolved exactly two years ago, I lost 28 pounds.
I didn’t lose it immediately, of course, but over the period of six months – from January, when he left, I went from a healthy (if a little hippy) 155 to 126 pounds. I am six feet tall. 126 pounds on my formerly athletic frame left me looking gaunt, hollow, and skeletor-cheeked.
I was sick with anxiety about what the future would hold, I was white with stress and every time I thought about food, I’d vomit. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat for a day or two, until a flash of realization would consume me as I struggled to stand upright to brush my teeth: crap, I need to get something in me. And then I’d eat a handful of cheez Dorito’s and a carafe of coffee and ignore the rumblings of protest in my stomach, my core.
I am the opposite of so many of my friends who crave ice cream and chocolate fudge sundaes when they get stressed out. If I am hurt or worried or really damned scared, I lose every bit of appetite I have. This is a bad thing, and I’m ashamed that, for spots last year, I secretly thought that maybe it was kind of good.
I ran into a University friend while I was getting ready to move from my city, away from the shadows of my ex and closer to my strong family support system.
“Wow!” she exclaimed, “Kristin, you’re so thin! Have you been working out? Or changed your diet? Tell me!”
I smiled ruefully,”It’s the stress diet,”I said,”The breakup from hell diet, it works every time!”
I made light of it. I underlined the unhealthiness of it all. But truthfully: I looked in the mirror at the jeans sagging off my butt, at my alarmingly skinny arms and I thought: I look a little bit good. Skinny is not all bad.
Though I was 100%, dubiously unhealthy, I relished the fact that I had to buy all new clothes, that I could sometimes fit into a size 4, when all my adult life I’d been an 8 or a 10. My face was gaunt, my lips were peeling off my face and my hair was falling out in clumps, and though I professed to be ashamed of my rapid weight loss in public, my dirty secret was this: I liked being skinny, unhealthy or not.
As of tonight, exactly two years after the dissolution of the relationship of the man I thought I’d call my husband, I have gained back every pound I’ve lost. Eating, it seems, will do that to you.
I’ve been remiss writing here, because I’ve guiltily back-slidden away from Jillian Michaels and away from my three-times-a-week running sessions over the last few months because – well, tis the season, but also, have you seen the damned snow in the Pacific Northwest? Not conducive to hesitant slipping, let alone running, and…and….sigh. I’ve been making excuses.
Starting tomorrow, I’m on the bandwagon to health. Not to unhealthy skinniness, not to fit into my size four skirts, but to be healthy and robust and kick-assed toned. I have my strength and joy back, now it’s time for the outside to match the inside. I have everything to gain.
Tags: Fat Skinny, inspiration, working out
December 28th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Kristin.
I know of which you speak. After both Nathan and Emily, I got the flu, and got SKINNY. And stayed that way.
Since getting back to working out and, um, EATING, have put on five pounds. I am still skinny, yes, but sometimes wish I was SKINNY.
Sigh.
Thanks for this.
December 28th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Go for it Kristin! Get lean, fit and healthy for YOU and your son. I can tell you’re strong and you can do it.
December 29th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I used to be quite, quuuite thin in high school, though I ate like a horse. I was so thin, people would always think I had some sort of eating disorder.
When I left for college, my metabolism slowed down, or I hit puberty way late, something, I don’t know. I gained nearly 35 pounds. All people could do was tell me how sickly I had looked when I was skinny and how much better I looked since I’d “filled out.”
I would agree with them, in some funny sort of way (yeah, it sure is nice having boobs- that’s new, etc.) but secretly I’d always think “but I was *skinny* before.”
Even if it is unhealthy, it is hard to deny the feeling of the skinny, of buying the jeans in that smaller size.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:40 am
I understand what you mean. I’ve always been around 135-140lbs, and I’m about 5’5″. So I’m a good size, not thin thin, but healthy looking. Last year I had stomach problems and I couldn’t eat, felt miserable, and lost 15 pounds. The comments people were making were astounding to me. They couldn’t believe how good I looked, how did I lose the weight. I was feeling like crap and told them I hadn’t been feeling well, but secretly I liked that I had lost the weight and was skinny. Now, when I got on the right medication and felt better, I was back up to 140 lbs. I felt great, but really, I enjoyed being skinny for those few months.
January 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I too have been Skinny, Really Skinny, and Seriously, This Is Ridiculous in alternating cycles since my marriage imploded. At well under 100 lbs (I’m 5’3″,) I lay in bed practically dying of a run-of-the-mill upper respiratory infection, felt all of my bones grinding into each other, and did not have one stitch of clothing that fit me (even the stuff from the kids’ department), and still I feel like pictures of me taken at that time are the best pictures I have of myself. I look as thin as the movie stars.
January 10th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Wow.
I don’t know the right comment to make, since I can’t sympathize at all (I’ve never been TOO skinny.. or even really skinny), but I do have to say that it’s nice to hear that “skinny” people .. the bodies I always coveted .. have their insecurities, too.
I really have made peace with just being healthy. It’s what my body needs, and I just have to train my head to follow.
January 4th, 2011 at 6:22 am
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Thank you