The difficult choice to stay healthy
By Jennifer
Years ago, before I was a wife or mother, I had a fail-proof way to lose weight. If I wanted to fit into a certain size dress for a wedding, or if I just didn’t like the number on the scale, I had a tried-and-tested method to get me to my goal: I’d throw up.
I was bulimic for six years.
For most of those six years, I never felt full for very long. It was a feeling I hated, a feeling that prompted me to search out the closest bathroom or trashcan to get rid of the meal, to get rid of that full feeling. And with that feeling, pounds and inches would melt away, too.
I have very specific and unique feelings about my eating disorder, and I think everyone who has suffered from one in the past has their own impossible-to-duplicate experience. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it, and that’s the part that starts to make family and friends squirm. There’s no red bow. Even as a 27-year-old professionally-working woman with a family, a mortgage, a career, I still think sometimes, Well, if I wanted to lose the weight faster, I could always…. When the scale refuses to budge too far, I still contemplate that one option I haven’t turned to in a while. That’s the uncomfortable, knowing that you’re never really cured. I didn’t get better, I made a choice. I chose living over purging. I chose feeling full over feeling empty. I chose being a good example to my son over raiding the pantry at 2 a.m. and then running the water so no one would hear.
Even after I got better, years and years after, I’d still choose throwing up every now and then when I was too weak to resist. So, no, you don’t ever get better. You don’t ever recover. You just try to make the best choices you can each day you’re given.
It’s difficult to lose weight without the help of that old habit of mine. It’s difficult to know that I could have lost 20 pounds in the time I’ve lost 10. It’s hard to celebrate every pound lost when I think, Damn, I could be really impressive if I wanted to be.
It’s hard enough to lose weight post-baby, but it’s especially hard to lose weight normally, without a secret double-edged sword hidden in my back pocket. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder haunting your past, you may have a history of trendy diets or borderline unhealthy habits, and so you may understand that living a healthy life is not the easy choice, even though it’s the right one. I have this baby who requires a happy, healthy mother, and he’s incredible motivation, let me tell you, but it’s still hard to know that being healthy is not a quick fix but a slow, life-changing, adjusting process.
I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last few months since I started writing here. Some weeks I lose a pound, sometimes I don’t lose anything. Sometimes I want to bang my head against the wall because this new, healthy person I’m morphing into is someone I’m much more proud to be but also someone I don’t exactly recognize.
What I’ve learned since documenting my way to a healthier weight is that I am still making choices, every day, between quick fixes and long-term healthy habits. I’m still choosing, every day, who I want to be and what kind of life I most deserve. I no longer lock the bathroom door or lie about where I’m going after a meal with friends, but I also no longer lose weight as easily as I did before. I like myself better this way, but doing the right thing is still not always the easiest choice.
I now know ten pounds is something to be proud of. I was talking with someone at my housewarming party this weekend, and she said, “Ten pounds! That’s fantastic!”
Whether it took seven years or seven months, ten pounds lost really is fantastic. Especially when I know I did it in a way that would make my son proud of me. I did it in a way that makes me proud of me.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Thank you for sharing this, Jennie. It’s hard to make the right choices and I’m so proud of you for choosing the healthy road for yourself. You are an inspiration and a wonderful mom. Good luck achieving the rest of your weight loss goals. I know you can do it. xoxo, M
September 9th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
your very brave to write this.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
“but doing the right thing is still not always the easiest choice”
This is true in so many aspects of life that it’s so important to put our bodies and our health up there with everything else.
Ten pounds IS fantastic! Great work!
With such a positive outlook and a determination to be a good role model for your son, I KNOW you’ll get where you want healthily and in your own time.
Keep it up!
September 9th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I feel ya – I wasn’t bulimic but I didn’t eat a whole lot…and I lost weight SO EASILY. It is soooo frustrating now to have the weight just cling to me. But I want to be healthy and I need to be healthy and I need to feel good about myself and be a positive role model for Pineapple.
This is a beatiful, inspirational post. Keep up the EXCELLENT and challenging work! YOU ROCK!
September 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
You are taking brave, strong steps, Jennie. I have a messed up history with bingeing and purging (although I could never throw up…just over-exercised and fasted) too and I know first-hand the hell is it. Good for you for choosing a new path, one step at a time.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Wow, what a great post! And way to go on those 10 pounds
I’ve been working hard on not weighing myself because that number is not always the best measurement for me. When I first joined a weightloss program years ago, the weight just fell off of me but I wasn’t really taking care of myself. They actually made it a point to not introduce exercise for the first few weeks. I’ve done enough research now to know that was not healthy and actually probably hurtful in the longrun… But probably why it wasn’t encouraged was because the pounds would not fall off as easily & quickly. Well years and 2 kids later, that same method of just limiting calories isn’t working for me. So now I’m exercising and I know I’m losing fat even though the scale isn’t showing me so.
It IS hard to make the choice everyday to exercise and to make better food choices. But really, it’s all a process and not something that has to be perfect…. And I’m considering throwing my scale away
Thanks again for sharing your story!
September 9th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Me too.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
When I was in college, if I took plenty of time to write a paper, started it well in advance of the deadline, and got advance feedback from peers and professors on early drafts, I NEVER earned better than a B+. But when I procrastinated like crazy, then started the damn paper at 4 am, wrote it in a blind rush, staggered exhausted into class to hand it in, too wrecked to get anything from any of my classes for the rest of the day, I always got an A. Always. It was my surefire method. It wasn’t much of a life but it worked like a charm.
So, I quit doing things the “right” way in college, indulged in my guilty, shameful, self-destructive, “bad” behavior, and graduated summa cum laude from an elite college. I still benefit from having this laurel on my resume today. I also found this method to work well in law school.
Similarly, managing my weight the “right” way DID NOT WORK for me. Eating moderately, keeping an honest food diary, and exercising strenuously with a personal trainer 3x/week led to weight maintenance or weight GAIN.
Last spring, when I was paying this guy $65/hour to work me to exhaustion, and I would complain to my friends about the lack of results, everyone would say, “You’re not overweight,” “You don’t need to lose weight,” “You look great!”
Uh, no. I’m sorry, but the size 12 I was wearing last spring is NOT “great,” and it is NOT okay to work that freaking hard and not see ANY improvement.
So after three months and thousands of dollars squandered on the completely useless personal trainer (who is a very nice man, but still, completely useless), I fired him, quit the gym, starved myself for a few weeks, and promptly lost 27 pounds — and yes, I know, this was not “healthy,” but I’m a size 8 now, dammit.
I know it’s not healthy or sustainable to try to live the rest of your life as though you’re pulling an all nighter, but at the same time, I’m sick of the lying, you know? I’m sick of the health & fitness propaganda that pretends that healthy habits will always result in an attractive body. I’m sorry, but for some of us, unhealthy habits are more cosmetically effective.
You’re one of the few writers who’s gone public with the fact that the self-loving, sustainable, healthy approach is not necessarily as effective (at least in the short term) as the self-destructive methods.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
P.S. I know that your post was NOT meant to advocate for self-destructive, cosmetically effective habits. I just wanted to thank you for telling the truth and admitting that the healthy, self-loving choice isn’t always the most efficient path to an improved appearance. That’s what drives me crazy about America’s healthy & fitness propaganda: the pretense that eating your vegetables and doing squats & lunges will result in a better body.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
10 pounds is awesome. loving yourself by doing it the right way is AMAZING.
I am way proud of you.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
and i have to say, that a GOOD body is a HEALTHY body, whether is a 6 or 12 or a 20. And by doing unhealthy things to attain that goal, we are furthering the myth that thin is the RIGHT way to be. There will never be proper size acceptance if we can’t accept it ourselves.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Jennie,
Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart. I’m sure this will resonate with others (it did with me) and the encouragement is so important!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Jennie – beautiful post. A friend of mine has a similar relationship with her past eating disorder, and I think you wrote about the struggle beautifully.
Rhaazz – Perhaps it is the goal that needs to shift. I’d rather stay this same size 12 forever if it means I can run fast and jump high, and am not exhausted from sprinting to catch the metro. Will I be a swimsuit model at this size? No. But I sure do love the fact that I can swim, and I have more confidence and self-esteem based on my abilities than I would ever have based on a thinner bod. Beauty is fleeting, etc. Confidence covers a multitude of cellulite, believe me.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:27 am
This must have been really hard to write, but I believe the best way to keep yourself on the right track (with anything!) is to be open about it. To not let it fester in the dark corners of shame. To let other people, with a clearer perspective, bolster and support you and remind you that you’re not weak.
Way to go, Jennie. You’re doing it.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:56 am
As someone who has struggled with anxiety and OCD, I know how you feel. That you are never really “cured.” I used to wrongly assume that once I got better I was “cured” instead of realizing that it’s always going to be a struggle and that success should be measured by every day that I make healthy choices.
I used to be afraid that setbacks meant that I would slide all the way back down to ground zero, but they don’t.
When I was losing weight a few years ago I could definitely feel how it would be so easy for me to start restricting food in an unhealthy way and be obsessive. It was such a slippery slope. I think your realizing that it’s a choice every day is awesome.
Thanks for being brave enough to share.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:02 am
rhaazz, I do get where you’re coming from, honestly. It’s such a complicated issue, and I think it basically stems from an entire culture’s perception that thin = health, and it just doesn’t. Each person has to decide for themselves what’s more important, being healthy or being thin. Sometimes they’re mutually exclusive, but I think more often they’re not.
I could easily lose the weight I want to lose, and I know exactly how. That makes people uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. They way I’ve chosen isn’t easy, but it is the way I am most proud of.
Do I want that life and all the feelings of guilt that go along with it? Do I want to lie to everyone I care about? Not particularly.
For ME, it was impossible to live the life I wanted and be bulimic. I had to make a choice, and it’s a choice I continue to make every day. I couldn’t have both — just not possible for me — but the choice wasn’t and I don’t think ever will be “easy.” It’s not a no brainer for someone who spent years making a very different choice.
Ultimately, I have a son, someone I want to live a healthy and happy life and although I can’t be sure he will, the one thing I can do is make sure he sees ME living such a life.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Well done Jennifer- you rock!
You really are making a long term investment not only physically but also emotionally by taking this very brave route.
Thank you for having the courage to be this honest, and I’m sure your son and partner will benefit a hundred fold from your wise and responsible life choice.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Good for you! It has to be tough to stick with it but in the long run (as much as it sucks to have to think that way because we all want results NOW) you are doing what is best for you and your adorable adorable adorable little boy!
September 10th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Your post was so poignant and heartfelt. 10 pounds IS a lot, when you’re juggling all that you’re juggling. That IS something to be proud of. And just remember…when you lose weight the healthy way, even if it takes longer, it stays OFF longer. An unhealthy process will just make your body retaliate when you’re “done”. You’re beautiful and brave, and you’re an inspiration. And you always make me cry, d@mmit.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:28 am
my roommate is bulimic, and she doesn’t know that I know. she constantly eats healthy in front of me, then binges in her room and goes to the washroom within about 1/2 hour to purge. It’s clockwork and I worry about her. She used to be overweight, then her mother put her on a diet through a medical centre which taught really bad habits (ie, if you didn’t get below a certain weight, they’d drop you out of the program).
I have NO idea how to bring it up with her. I’m terrified that if I bring it up, she’ll freak out and run away or worse.
We’ve talked a lot about eating habits and even eating disorders to which she always replies: i have no idea how people do that to themselves!
She was fired from her last job for being ‘unhealthy’ and though she blamed it on too much partying, I know it’s cause more than likely they caught her throwing up.
I worry, a lot. She’s a lovely person but has some serious SERIOUS food issues.
She purges everyday between 4 and 10 times depending.
Any advice would be nice.
All i really want is to actually catch her or something so I can talk to her – but bringing it up (especially since I am super active and quite fit myself) is horrifying.
Thank you for sharing, really really thank you.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
PS, i can see you emailed me, but can’t read it at work (blocks all webbased email!) but will read and respond shortly when i’m done work
November 25th, 2011 at 6:47 pm
quick diet…
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