The Beauty Myth
By Kaitlyn
I was unpacking a box of books this weekend, and came across my copy of “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolf. Instead of studying about the implementation of unions in the Nova Scotian workforce, I started reading it. Although I’ve read it before, it feels like I didn’t get it. Yesterday that book cemented all of the thoughts I’ve been having and every word felt like it was written for me to read exactly at that moment.
“There is a secret ‘underlife’ poisoning our freedom; infused with notions of beauty, it is a dark vein of self-hatred, physical obsessions, terror of aging, and dread of lost control.”
What do you think of that?
Can you stand naked in front of a mirror without being critical? Do you know a woman who doesn’t change her appearance in some way (hair colour, make up, eyebrow shaping) and do you know a man who does?
When you think, “I’m fat,” are you concerned about the health of your organs or are you actually telling yourself, “I am flawed and inferior to others,”?
Are we all actually flawed or are we so completely bombarded by a version of what we should aspire to be that we don’t realize how deep the insecurities have manifested themselves in us?
“Pain is real when you get other people to believe in it. If no one believes in it but you, your pain is madness or hysteria.”
All of us, on this site specifically, but everyone who claims to be proud of their abs or looser fitting pants, are you happy because you look better or are you happy because you feel more worthy in some way?
Don’t misunderstand me, I am a huge advocate of healthy lifestyles and physical activity as a way to boost self esteem and I am by no means exempt from the masses of women who fall prey to the idea that my worth rests greatly in my physical appearance.
But I’m tired of feeling that way.
Do you know how much time, how many hours a week I spend feeling inadequate? Sometimes physically, sometimes domestically, sometimes motherly, sometimes wifely. The worst of it is, it has been only recently that I’ve begun to realize that my feelings of inadequacy are not valid nor are they necessary.
Evaluate yourself. Really think about how you feel. Happy? Sad? Guilty? Now think about why you feel that way. Is it because your body doesn’t look the way you think it should? Where does your version of “should” come from? Do you feel guilty because you leave your kids and think you shouldn’t, or because you don’t leave them and wish you did?
Do you know a woman, one woman who isn’t bothered by the choices she makes?
We live in a world where we can’t win. Want to formula feed? Want to breastfeed? Want to go to church? Want to swear in front of your kids? Want to eat fast food? Want to not eat meat? No matter what you decide, there will always be someone telling you that you’re making the wrong choice.
How can we change this (because this needs to change)? I think it starts with awareness. Think that Twilight is a cute series for teens? Think again. Evaluate Edward Cullen as an abusive boyfriend, because he is. Think you want the same abs as the woman on the cover of that running magazine? Impossible, because they don’t exist, she’s been airbrushed. We need to critically examine the images we see on an hourly basis and realize that they are not accurate, they are not positive and they are not what is going to help you reach a better place.
I try to think of the example I’m setting for my daughters on a daily basis. I don’t want them to grow into women riddled with self-doubt. I want them to be able to make a choice about what they want for their own life without examining themselves under the unforgiving microscope we all use.
How do we change this? Our society has deeply ingrained ideas about women and their worth and we end up believing that it’s normal to hate our own selves because we don’t measure up.
We. Can’t. Measure. Up.
So tomorrow, when you’re getting dressed and you turn around to critically examine how much your skin bulges out of your bra in the back, think of what you are doing. Think of your daughters, or think of your sons future wives. Think of yourself. This isn’t what matters, this does not determine your worth as a person in our world.
Now believe it.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Love all of this. Am confused about Edward Cullen as an abusive boyfriend, though.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
He creeped me out. He was always listening to her friends thoughts so he could know what Bella said, watched her while she slept (hellooo stalker), took apart her car so she couldn’t go see Jacob, she ditched all her friends and only hung out with him and his family once they got together, he was always on the verge of hurting her… the whole things seemed unhealthy and controlling to me.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
He isolated her from her friends (or didn’t seem to mind that she isolated herself), he chastised her for losing control sexually, he made unilateral decisions as to what was best for her, he manipulated her emotionally, and he kept important information from her that would have allowed her to make good decisions for herself. She was always worried about what he thinking and whether he was mad at her because he was so freakin’ moody, and she was always at his mercy as to whether they were together, apart, etc.
It didn’t surprise me that you were saying things I agreed with, until you got the Edward Cullen part. He struck me as a checklist for “could your boyfriend become abusive?” I think their relationship is a horrible example. I enjoyed the books a lot, but I hated Edward.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I was actually saying that their relationship is a bad example to set for teens (or anyone really). I liked the books too, but eventually gave up on the series because it was getting too annoying to me.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Ha ha, yeah. I kinda went off there, didn’t I? It’s kind of nice to hear somebody else felt the same way about an imaginary teenage vampire/human relationship. I finished the series, enjoyed the books, but still feel that I should warn teenage girls when I get the chance: This is not right! (coming from point of view of 45-year-old mom of a teenage boy who rolls his eyes at me a lot for taking such things too much to heart)
October 28th, 2009 at 8:59 am
You also have to look at the author, who is Mormon. I know some women of that faith who feel that their place is to be ‘Good Wives’ and obey their men. I’m not saying all Mormon relationships are that way, but enough are to make it noticeable. The author’s faith might be part of the basis of the relationship in the books. I am not trying to offend anyone, I’m just saying.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Me, I just liked the points that Kaitlyn brought up in this post, and I am old enough to know better and have considered myself pretty much NOT like that, but I realize I guess I DO do that to myself on occasion.
I haven’t read those books, never will.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Edward is a creep for sure. About the post — I can see your point about resisting being measured, because we never measure up. But if you start telling yourself everything you want is an illusion… then where does your motivation and sense of accomplishment come from?
October 28th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I try not to spend too much time focusing of what I deem are inadequacies because I feel like it’s time wasted since I’m apparently the only one in my life who sees them
October 28th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I haven’t read the vampire books so have no opinion on them, but as for The Beauty Myth — YES! The most horrible thing about our being judged for our looks is that it robs us of our freedom to be, think, and act according to our own truest selves.
While I attended a women’s college, I really didn’t think at all about what I looked like; all I cared about was achieving. When I think about how much self-esteem I had then, and how free I was to pursue my dreams, I’m saddened. Now that I’m living in a world where my looks matter, I find that so much of my mental and physical energy is sucked into this endless, pointless project to “Be Thin, Look Youthful And Well Groomed.”
It really doesn’t matter, ultimately, what we look like, what we wear, how we cut our hair, or how old we appear to be. What matters is what we DO. All the life that is poured into LOOKING instead of DOING is a waste.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Great post. I read that book eons ago and don’t remember much, but I remember really likely ago. I think you’re right about mothers having a huge influence; my mother is sooooo critical of her appearance although she is a very stylish, attractive woman. Sometimes it seeps to me – just a handful of times; like during pregnancy she’d say “don’t worry, you’ll lose that after the baby.” Um… wasn’t worried Mum, but thanks! I don’t ever want to be that way in front of my kids, and I don’t think I am. I feel like I’ve escaped the lack of self-esteem about my body but I certainly have hang-ups. But I need to check because I probably do it in ways I’m less aware of.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
And YES! Edward Cullen is creepy. Didn’t he like sabotage her car or something??? Ew.