Introduction to Now Panic & Freak Out
By Valarie
OK, here goes. Deep breath. Wow, taking the step of even writing this first post seems so huge to me. I think that for me it is a commitment to be honest…mostly with myself. I will just jump in….
I am almost 40 years old…July 5 is the big day, to be exact. I am about 40 pounds overweight at 178 and 5’2″ inches tall and, more importantly, as out of shape as a person can be. Yesterday I took my almost 2 year old to a Music Together class, and during one of the songs I had to hold her facing me, bounce her around a little, then roll back on my tailbone and lift her up in the air. Over. and over. and over. Or so it seemed to me. When a music class with your toddler is the hardest workout you’ve done in ages, you know some changes are in order.
I wrote in my bio about having Panic Disorder, and how that has been an obstacle to my getting in shape since it started about four and a half years ago. But really, I can’t blame that. The panic attacks kicked off with a day of constant heart palpitations, which I think now were brought on by me becoming so overweight and my body chemistry being out of whack. Also, my son was a little over a year old and I think there was some postpartum stuff going on. I guess it’s a “chicken or the egg” kind of question, which at the end of the day doesn’t really matter much. I just know I need to change things, and whether it’s an excuse or not the anxiety in my head does tend to derail me.
I have been thinking for several weeks (ok, several years!) about making the decision to get healthy, especially after discovering Linda’s blog and this site. I contacted her about writing a blog here, thinking that my story could help others, and that being accountable to keep a journal of my efforts would help me get and stay on track. I decided that I wanted my first post to be pre-program, so that I didn’t have to backtrack to document any of it. During this “mulling it over” process, I slipped and fell on our basement stairs and really wrenched my back, and my first thought was “Oh man, guess I can’t start exercising for a while!” and there was more than a tinge of relief in the thought. Luckily (?), the back pain subsided after a few days and I knew I could move forward. This past weekend I went to Philadelphia for the day to visit my daughter, who is a freshman in college. Coming home on the train, I read a book review in Oprah Magazine…the book was by and about a man who went to live with his daughter’s young family after she died of a heart attack while working out in her home gym. I have not been able to get that story out of my head. What if that happens to me? What if I was right four years ago and the doctors did miss something when they ran all those tests, and there is something wrong with my heart? What if I run on the treadmill as planned while my daughter is napping and die in the basement…how long will she cry in he crib before her dad gets home to rescue her? What if my five year old comes down to the basement and finds my body before my husband? Who will go and tell Gina, my daughter in college, that her mom has died? Will someone have the forethought to not tell her over the phone? Will she be able to stay in school after such a shock? Will she stay close to my husband, who is her stepfather, and her little brother and sister? Who will take of my little kids during the day while my husband works? I could keep writing and writing and writing…these questions go on and on, and are what run through my head as I stare at the ceiling for hours at night, tears streaming out of the sides of my eyes and into my ears, until finally I can get the questions to stop and fall back to sleep.
This scenario happens a lot, and can be triggered by hearing a terrible story of a young mother taken too soon, or by a fall on the stairs, or by a pain in my leg that I become convinced is a blood clot and lay in bed with my hands clenched in fists, waiting for the clot to break free and travel to my heart or lung, killing me.
I have come to realize that this is Panic Disorder…it didn’t go away when I stopped having full blown panic attacks and visiting the ER every other week. What I am still trying to come to terms with is that living this sedentary life out of fear is what could eventually kill me…carrying all this extra weight around, letting my heart and lungs and muscles get more and more unhealthy.
I want to take my life back. I want to be healthy in my head and my body. That is what I am here to do.
My plan for this first week (starting on Saturday the 20th) is to do Couch to 5k (http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml). My first medium-term goal is a 5k run on April 19, so I have to stick with the C25k program all the way through in order to be ready for a 5k by then. I’ve got lots and lots of room for improvement in the area of diet as well, which I will get into in the coming weeks. For now though, my first dietary step is to continue what I started a few weeks ago which was to stop using sugar in my coffee, and I will add a new “rule” which is no Starbucks during the week, and a max of one visit on the weekends (because yeah, using Splenda in my coffee at home is super, but when I hit the Sbux drive-thru for a Venti Cinnamon Dolce Mocha two hours later…maybe not so smart).
I plan to write in the weeks/months/however the hell long it takes more about my Panic Disorder and how it all started. I would love company on this journey if you’d like to join me.
February 22nd, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Wow, awesome and inspiring!
Welcome. Can’t wait to read more and get to know you!
YOU own YOU.
February 22nd, 2010 at 1:47 pm
I’m so rooting for you!
I guess I haven’t connected my thoughts, which sound VERY MUCH like your thoughts, to Panic Attacks. I get an eye roll from people for admitting such a long string of unlikely (?) scenarios, and I often call them “daymares” because I’m fully awake and conscious but I can’t alter my spiraling thinking.
I’m in awe of your goal to do C2K! I’m so not a runner–from the knee pain to my fear of competition, but I bow down to those who are! It takes such dedication–one foot, then the other, over and over again. You can do it and I can’t wait to follow your progress!
Good luck!
February 22nd, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Val, I am so proud of you. I know you can accomplish your goals. I’m always here for you.
Love you.
February 22nd, 2010 at 1:58 pm
WOW, that long paragraph of “What if?” scenarios was elaborate, and so, so sad. What if you died tomorrow? Well at least you spent the last days of your life… crying in your bed? I hope you get this disorder under control. Best of luck with your fitness goals!
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:09 pm
How lucky am I, this very intelligent inspireing, beautiful woman with a soul full of love is my sister!
I love you!
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Welcome!
I’m in the middle of the Couch to 5K program and love it. It’s taken me from running a minute (and wanting to die) to running a mile and a half and feeling fantastic.
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Thanks everyone! Every additional ounce of support is such a big deal. Just to be clear, I am at a point now where the Panic Disorder is not running my life…I don’t lay in bed all day crying by any stretch. I believe that exercise and getting healthy is my key to banishing it totally. So excited to be here!
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Right on. So pumped and for you (and ME, since I get to read about it!).
Hope you’ll keep us updated often.
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:36 pm
Honey, you have found the best forum to do whatever your heart desires. These ladies are not only crazy inspiring, but they’re durn nice and funny too.
I was in your shoes about a year ago.. two inches taller, but everything else evens out.. and I ran my first 5K in May of last year.
You can do it. And you’ll learn smart tricks (like ordering a Sbux misto with sugar free dolce syrup instead.. half the calories and half the $) along the way.
WELCOME!
February 22nd, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Oh you know I am on this journey with you baby! You are doing so awesome just by getting this out there. Not only are you helping yourself but there are others that will come out and say they can relate. That will keep your motivation going. Can’t wait for April 19th!
xo
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Oh Val – this was so great! I can’t wait to read your updates and follow you on this journey. Always here for you my friend!
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:19 pm
You have always rooted for me every step of my life and now it’s my turn to cheer you on! I KNOW you can do this. I will be there running with you and cheering you on every step of the way.
Love you Mommy!
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I just watched you finish your first workout and you look so full of energy and excitement! The first step is the hardest, keep the momentum! Way to go. I’m right here with you.
Love, me.
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:56 pm
I am so proud of you Val. I have no doubt in the world that YOU CAN DO THIS! I am so proud to call you my sister AND my friend.
February 22nd, 2010 at 10:21 pm
woohoo!!! i support you fully!! thanks for sharing =) love ya!
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:32 am
I like your attitude towards this- taking small steps and making small changes that add up is EXACTLY the way to get healthy. Some days I feel a bit negative and start thinking that I’m not making enough effort. But then, yesterday, I read an article about improving women’s health and on the list of important points, I was already following about 90%! I realized that over time, so many things had become second nature that I didn’t even notice that I was doing anything special. Sure, taking the stairs and not using sugar are not going to give you dramatic results, but all these little things add up to a healthy lifestyle that gives big results over the long-term, which is ultimately the goal. And for you, this will probably be the key, because its not so scary! Good luck, but I’m sure you’re going to make it.
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:29 am
You can do it! I have those horrible daymares sometimes too, especially now after havign kids. I have found that exercising has helped me sleep better (often I would wake at night and then not be able to fall back asleep b/c my head would be spinning) and feel better and has diminished the amount of time I spend thinking about these things.
I did the couch to 10k program last summer/fall, completely out of shape 6 months after my son was born, barely able to walk a couple of miles. I’ve lost about 20lbs since then…I ran my first 5 mile race in Sept, a 10k in October, & a 5k in December. This weekend I’m running my first half marathon.
Good luck!
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 am
Congratulations! It’s a big step to start, and we’re all proud of you. I started the Couch to 5K program in December and I’m running my first 5K in a week and a half. The best advice I got? SLOW DOWN. I started running way too fast and would be half dead by my walking breaks. Once I slowed my treadmill pace down, I was amazed at what a difference it made. And now that I’m at the end of the training, my pace is getting faster. Good luck!
February 23rd, 2010 at 6:29 pm
Oh, I too suffer from anxiety. Something awful. While I’m not overweight, I am pregnant and pretty out of shape. I’m excited to follow you on your journey to see how the change to your health changes your Panic Disorder.
Best wishes!
February 24th, 2010 at 7:56 am
Good luck. Can’t wait to read about your journey.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Ohmigod, you are totally in my head. I never considered it Panic Disorder though, but I will look into that.
On one hand I think we hear more about those rare stories in our media saturated culture, and on the other hand I have a medical background and have seen rare things with my own eyes. Either way you add it up, it gives me lots to stress over.
Well, I just wanted to comment and say that I am there with you, and I will be following you, AND joining your efforts in C25K. Go us!
February 24th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I feel like I have been almost exactly where you are right now. I’ve had mood disorders and have struggled with my weight. My experience has been that regular exercise works WONDERS for my mood. It’s far better than any talk therapy or SSRI or benzodiazepene, and it works immediately, and improves your self-esteem and health too. Find something you love and
February 24th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
Nice to “meet” you Valerie.
Best of luck achieving your goals. Can’t wait to follow your journey!
May I share a favorite quote of mine?
“People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale
Believe it. And it WILL happen.
March 1st, 2010 at 10:56 am
First off, I honestly teared up reading the comments from your sisters, your daughter and your husband! What a remarkable support system you have!
Secondly, the Couch to 5K program is fantastic! I started it a year ago and never finished. About a month ago I got back into the gym on a regular basis and run each time I go. I have committed to running a 5K with my mother (who runs a lot) on April 17th and I can’t let her beat me…we can cross the finish line together but there is something about my mom beating me in a race that I can’t stomach (she will be 52 and I will be two days shy of 33 at the time of the race).
Sometimes it’s the strangest things that give us the power and the motivation to live a healthy lifestyle. When I started my journey to get healthy I went to a nutritionist so that I had someone that I had to report to weekly. Kind of like what you said in your post about being accountable…it made a world of difference to me and in 6 months I was able to drop 30 pounds.
I wish you all of the luck in the world on your journey!
March 1st, 2010 at 1:49 pm
I also suffer from Panic Disorder and have had the heart tests and the embarrassing ER visits. I was 100+ pounds overweight and was scared to workout…it IS hard sometimes. I am constantly checking to make sure I can catch my breath and if I don’t feel like I can, I have to slow down until I feel okay.
But, I have pushed through and have lost 100 pounds, run 5 half marathons and continue to push myself lifting weights, spinning, running, etc.
The hardest for me is the half marathons…I often wonder if I stop breathing if someone would be able to rescue me in time…so ridiculous (and there are lots of paramedics out there anyway), but I fight through it and am able to keep moving my legs despite my thoughts.
Panic disorder sucks
Good luck getting started and I know you can do it!!!!
March 1st, 2010 at 2:07 pm
I stand (actually sit) before you overwhelmed. This awesome woman is my daughter, and I am filled with so much pride right now I cannot find the words.
I know beyond a doubt that you will achieve this goal you have set for yourself and I am with you every step of the way.
You’ve inspired me to begin taking charge of my life as well. I want to continue spending time with and loving my amazing family.
I love you Val. Mom
March 13th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Oh Val, My dear dear friend!!! I love you and I am so proud of you!!! I am here for you and with you every step of the way.
You have always been there for me, encouraging me and inspiring in my adventurous life and I am so happy to be able to cheer you on in this incredible journey. Much love to you!!!
<3 Carrie