Intimidation
By AndreAnna
I’m not easily intimidated.
And even when I am, I do a good job of pretending I’m not. But yesterday I found myself in a situation that not only intimidated me, it broke me down inside so that the only thing holding me up was my fortiude that I was not going to let anyone think they had the kind of power over me.
I started a new boxing gym. I was listening to the radio out here one day and there was a commercial on. “Want to get in shape for the summer? Want to learn self-defense? Adult pricing includes all boxing, jiu jitsu, and MMA classes. Come by for a free week.”
It sounded like exactly what I wanted. So I went in and I signed up for a free week. I met with the co-owner, a portly man in his 60s who obviously didn’t partake in the sport. Maybe from injury or maybe he was just not interested, he was the backbone, the manager of money and people. He was a lovely man.
He assured me if I was training one-on-one back in Jersey that I would love this martial arts school. After all, they trained some of the major UFC fighters out there – he name dropped even people I had heard of. I left excited. I was going to be trained by the same people who had trained masters of their art.
I went to a sporting goods store and picked up new gloves and wraps, because he said I needed full bag gloves, not the grappling ones I had.
I got my stuff ready before the start of the 6 pm class and nervously drove myself there. Walking into any new situation alone is scary, I don’t care how much self-confidence you have. I walked into the school and I was the only female over 10. The only one.
Again, this normally doesn’t bother me so much because I can be friends with anyone, strike up a conversation with whoever is in earshot. But all of these guys were already sparring or stretching or putting on their gear. I didn’t even know who was in charge to tell them I was new. Eventually I found someone who looked like the Master. I told him I was new and he showed me and another young man over to the side to stretch while he split the class up.
The other new guy was 25, just out of college, ginormous (literally 6’4) and ripped. He was nice enough I guess but despite my polite introduction and palsied attemt at conversation, he never spoke to me.
After 10 minutes of stretching, the Master took New Guy and me upstairs while the rest of the class (all dudes, ranging in age from around 12-25) began work with another Master.
He began with a series of punches, ones I already knew. He complimented my form. I felt proud that I had retained some knowldge and form and didn’t come off like a total out-of-shape idiot.
I noticed he spent more time talking to New Guy. Where did he go to school? What sports did he play? Did he know his son?
Then as we moved into kicks, it became clear I had The World’s Shittiest Roundhouse Kick and New Guy was The Most Bestest All-Star Newbie Roundhouse Kicker In All The Midwest.
I became invisible.
“You had martial arts trianing before, son? That is some roundhouse! I can’t wait to get you trained and in the cage.”
He patted him on the back, encouraged him, took him slowly step-by-step. He’d occasionally walk over to me, offer a word or two of advice. How to place my leg, which no matter how hard I’d try could not get above waist level.
But it was clear I was porifery.
At first, I thought I was imagining it, my own insecurities taking over as a new person – the only woman in the building – and it was just in my head. But as the lesson went on, it was clear I was not. As we finished up, he spoke to New Guy. “You make sure you get back here on Wednesday for my beginner class again. I WILL have you fighting for me by the end of summer.”
To me, “Great work. Please come back and work hard and you’ll get it.”
I packed up my stuff, put on my shoes, bowed off the mat, and drove home, dejected. This man had just stripped away my love of a sport in an hour. I felt weak and out of place. I felt like I didn’t belong there, doing something I had loved the whole year prior.
He saw New Guy as someone he could mold, train, and turn into a great MMA fighter for the dojo. He saw potential. In me, he only saw what he thought was: an almost 30, mostly out-of-shape mother who came to lose weight. Not a fighter.
Which I GET. I know I’m not going to be the next UFC fighting champion. I don’t want to be. I have no interest in cage-fighting. I like boxing and kickboxing. I like the sport of it. I like how it feels to hit a heavy bag with gloves. I like learning self-defense, feeling strong and powerful.
What I don’t like is being made to feel inferior, like I wasn’t worth training because I was a 25-year old giant dude.
I’m not sure where to go from here. Clearly, I don’t want to train with this guy. But the owner, the man whose name stands on the dojo sign, teaches the morning kickboxing class. I met him before and liked him so maybe I’ll try the morning class on Wednesday while I still have the free week. Maybe he will change my mind.
I’m sad. I thought this was something I truly loved and I left there last night not loving anything about the experience. Maybe it was the one-on-one training with my fight trainer back in Jersey I loved so much and should look into hiring one of those. Maybe I should try a new dojo.
Maybe I should just buy a dummy and a heavy bag and do what I know myself.
I’m pissed. I’m pissed off at this guy who took away my self-confidence and love for a sport I thought I was getting good at. I’m pissed off at myself for giving him the power to do that.
And I really don’t know where to go from here. Do you?
June 29th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Yes. Yes, I do know.
You go to the guy who owns the gym, and explain that you were planning to join, as well as enroll your kids in their classes .. but one of them is a girl, and if this is how they raise women, she’d be better off at another dojo. Know a name of another local dojo when you go in there. That will drive home your point.
You talk to that owner and let him know that you never planned to fight in a ring, but your money is still green. Business owners hear $$, they don’t hear pride or emotions. Let him know that you’d hate for word of mouth to get out about the way a newcomer was treated. Especially when you’ve had so many other moms ask you about working out there. Again, it’s $$ driven. You are a valuable asset to that dojo. They just need to see that.
I am so sorry, honey. This whole thing makes me livid for you. But you can win. Hell, you WILL win.
June 29th, 2010 at 10:37 am
You could go to the morning class, but if it isn’t a vastly different experience, I think you have to try another dojo or look for a trainer, as you said. Maybe it’s just that particular Master, but I can’t see it working with him. Even if you get him to act differently, you need him to FEEL differently in order for you to feel welcome and to get your money’s worth out of it. There have to be other options. It’s great to hear you talk about feeling powerful and capable with the martial arts, and it would be terrible to let some crappy misogynist ruin it.
June 29th, 2010 at 11:26 am
You can’t let this break your love of boxing! This is just one stupid dude, and maybe you need to just work with someone else at this dojo, or maybe you need another dojo. You love boxing!
I would start out by going to the morning kickboxing class and see how you feel about it.
I would also do what Sarah Lena says above, it is like she read my thoughts. If I were the owner I would want to know that you were given way less attention than the 25 year old big dude. As a buisness owner, he probably wants everyone else to be treated well in his gym. Advocate for yourself a little and see how the owner responds, then make your decision from there.
Heck, maybe the master is usually a good teacher but was really distracted by big dude. Maybe he has a crush on him. Who knows? He shouldn’t have treated you that way, but maybe there are other teachers who are great.
June 29th, 2010 at 11:33 am
God I want to roundhouse that douchey dojo in the nads right now. Instead, I’ll give you life lessons from Broadway.
You know A Chorus Line? You know the song Nothing that Morales sings about wanting to be an actress but she has this asshat teacher who makes her feel incapable and everyone makes fun of her and then she goes to church and prays to Santa Maria for guidance and she drops to her knees and realizes that SHE IS AWESOME AND CAPABLE and it’s her teacher who’s the problem? Do you hear what I am saying lady? If need be I’ll call you up and sing to you. Just be warned, I get really excited about the Santa Maria part.
Find another class. Finad another trainer. Find another gym. But don’t give up something you’re passionate about.
June 29th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Oh no that stinks! I would try out the Weds morning class you talked about and see if it is any better. If you don’t love it, I like the ideas above of talking to the owner about your experience.
Good luck!
June 29th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
“Let him know that you’d hate for word of mouth to get out about the way a newcomer was treated. Especially when you’ve had so many other moms ask you about working out there.”
I totally agree with this. I think you should talk to the owner and explain to him how you felt totally discouraged by how you were treated and that you were hoping that you’d be treated the same as any other student, etc. etc.
Good luck.
June 29th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
I’ve tried good and bad. I’ve been doing martial arts now for 5 + years and everytime I go to a gym that makes me feel like that, I’m grateful knowing there’s another that is decent.
Don’t give up. Try the morning class. If it isn’t fun, then go somewhere else. You don’t need to go to a place that name drops, you need to go to a place that believes in what they do and can mould you. You’re fine, you’re trying, and you will succeed.
June 29th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
You, my friend, are a complete bad ass and if a “Master” doesn’t see your dedication as a student and doesn’t appreciate THAT well…I don’t think he’s the Master for you. Because I think for someone that truly loves the sport the fuel is another persons desire to learn and their ability to teach and not just who is going to get in the ring and fight. If that dojo doesn’t have another suitable Master then you’ll find the right fit someplace else.
June 29th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Yes I know. You go back to the owner, and demand a new trainer. A better trainer. A type of trainer you deserve. Go get it figher!
June 29th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
Change? Why should you change?
Ghandi said, Be the change you want to see in the world.
If you want to be a powerful woman who can be considered the equal of any man in the boxing ring… do what that man would do. Show up. Give your best. Don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks.
June 30th, 2010 at 6:39 am
One time I took a Pilates class at the YMCA, taught by a woman who clearly was only there to show everyone how awesome she was at Pilates. The highlight of the class was her walking around observing everyone’s position and telling them they were doing it wrong. You’re dropping your hip, try again! NOPE, dropping your hip!! No suggestions on how to do it the right way, no attempt to encourage, teach or even demonstrate, she just walked around telling everyone they were hopeless. Finally I asked her to demonstrate how to do it right, and when she did, I told her she was dropping her hip. And then I never went back. It was petty but it was all I had.
June 30th, 2010 at 6:58 am
Yeah, you’re pissed off! Embrace the pissed off — use it! You’re a badass and you don’t take nothing from nobody! I also think you need to tell the owner about your experience somehow — and then work to find a class or experience where you do feel welcomed and encouraged, whether it’s there or somewhere else.
Those words are “do as I say, not as I do” — because I am a giant wussy. But, I totally get the scary feeling of approaching something new on your own; then on top of that to feel marginalized and not taken seriously when you came in with enthusiasm to spare — that is seriously not cool. You can’t let this guy and his playing favorites with his roundhouse-kicking pretty boy become about you and whether or not you’re worthy of practicing a sport that you love — of course you are!
(Gosh darn it, I don’t even know you or get boxing, but I’m mightily pissed off on your behalf.)
June 30th, 2010 at 7:29 am
MEP made me laugh.
Also, my usual response to this sort of thing is anger & depression followed by plotting my revenge. What works, though, at least for me, is trying to be as objective and collaborative as possible. So not “Shape up or I’m taking my money and going elsewhere,” even if that’s what you’re planning. Explain what happened from your perspective: I was really looking forward to getting back to boxing, but last time, the Master paid a lot of attention to the guy who was great with the roundhouse kicks and not much to me. I don’t know if that’s the Master, but I need someone who will be enthusiastic about working with me. If I would be better off someplace else, please tell me where, because I love boxing but I did not love anything about that experience. So what would you suggest?”
June 30th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
I have a different take.
I don’t think anyone can take away your love of a sport unless you let them.
This dojo isn’t the right place for you. Find another place that is.
Don’t even bother geting made at them. On the contrary, be glad that the incompatibility became manifest immediately, before you wasted any time or money there.
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:12 pm
You could try looking for a martial arts dojo that only teaches one discipline like shotokan karate. I practiced shotokan (traditional japanese karate) for several years and found that it was a great workout, a beautiful form to watch and was far more family oriented than some of these kick-boxing MMA style places plus it was still pretty badass. : ) I loved it!
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