Warning: there are a lot of asterisks in this post
Now that I’m a Real Runner, I felt it was time for me to be, you know, invincible. That’s how all you exercise-y ladies seem to me. (That’s what I call you in my head: exercise-y ladies.) You can do pull ups and squats and box jumps and I don’t even know what two of those three things are, but I’m pretty sure doing them qualifies you for invincibility.
But…but I’m not invincible. I’m totally still vincible, and running 5K is still extremely unpleasant (until afterwards, when the Runner’s High hits…ahhhhh, Runner’s High, I love you). Worse, I think I’m in worse health than I was a few months ago. I’ve been having some, err, stomach troubles. The kind of stomach troubles that have me keeping an emergency stash of Imodium in my wallet and doubled over in pain on a regular basis. Yeah, it’s totally sexy, I know.
So, since I’m a certified genius*, I thought I’d look at what was different in my life. And in my thorough** investigation, do you know what I found? That I was eating a lot more sugar and carbohydrates, and almost no protein. I was doing this because…well, because carbohydrates are my one true love*** and I need them to live.
I know I shouldn’t be eating so many carbs. As someone who had gestational diabetes 100% of the time I was pregnant, with a father with diabetes, and with someone with polycystic ovarian syndrome, something caused by out-of-whack blood sugar, I know. I know I should declare the gospel of meat and vegetables and go all paleo/primal/cavewoman shooting arrows or whatever. I know it’s the healthiest thing for me.
The problem is that I don’t really like meat. I go to restaurants and order hamburgers minus the burger. I could live off of frozen yogurt and Oreos****. I don’t need meat. I gag when I buy hot dogs for my boys*****. Plus, I was a vegetarian for twenty years******, so it makes eating meat even less appetizing.
But I decided I could try and like it. I still don’t like it, but my stomach problems are gone. So I guess it’s working. I’m still eating grains. I’m eating sugary things. I’m eating everything, really, just trying to eat a little bit less of the pasta and a little bit more of the *gag* hamburger *gag*. It somehow makes my sugar cravings go away, too. I guess I’m sticking with it, for now.*******
*Not based on fact.
**I spent at least two minutes considering this situation.
***Sorry Gregg. I hope you understand.
****until I died of scurvy, I mean.
*****Actually, I kind of love hot dogs, but it makes me sound all superior and Gwynethy when I say, “I basically love anything that goes in a hot dog bun…except hot dogs.”
******Not actually true.
*******Using the statement “now” does not include lunch, when I had macaroni and cheese, which is maybe the best food on earth.*********
********Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a pharmacy about buying Imodium in bulk.