Back in the summer, when Linda started telling me about her idea for this website, I came up with a brilliant plan.

I would write a blog here, I’d appoint it Fatskinny, and I’d post before pictures of myself in a bathing suit to motivate the Holy Living Hell out of myself.

And then I tried to do it. And I couldn’t.

I thought of future dates googling me and rubbing their eyes in horror at my no-bum and chicken arms. I thought of my son’s daycare workers stumbling on me and me green bathing suit and losing all their innocence. Then I thought of Nolan’s future locker buddies and dear, god, I can’t even imagine his pre-pubescent horror but then – dude, does anyone really care about the fatskinny body of a thirty-something houselady? Other than you, I mean?

So. Ohmygod, one two three flush. I took this picture at the end of July in hope of posting it in public in order to stir some shame in me, and therefore motivation.  It never saw the light of day on my own blog.

Full admission one: this is not the least flattering picture. I have dimples on my butt.

Full admission two: I have a spray tan in this picture, making me look slightly erroneously thinner than I really am.

Full admission three: This view of my fatskinny arms doesn’t show them at their worst.

It’s not a good before picture, in short, because it doesn’t really show my true state.

So yesterday, I thought I’d take some new before pictures. Not in a bathing suit, god, it’s January and it’s bad enough I’m taking semi-nude and highly unflattering pictures of myself in the kitchen (the neighbors already think it’s our dog that craps in their yard, it’s not it’s that damned husky across the street, and could they see me against the wall with my camera there oh dear PETE what I do for the Internet.)

So: new befores, but I still can’t bring myself to show you my white butt. That’s only for the mirror, whilst running backwards.

I know it’s not showing my butt, but I have not mastered the self timer on my camera and I’m definitely not asking the garbage man to take these shots.

(In this picture I appear orange brown but it’s the way my camera was turned? Also, that’s a portrait of my dog in the background, in case you were wondering about the coyote-looking creature on the wall.)

Anyway. Here’s the shock in all of this: my before pictures now are quite, substancially better than my before pictures this summer. My arms are more toned, my belly is harder though I have work to do there. And, you can’t see it, but I think my butt is higher.

I have not been doing much differently. I am running slightly longer, but I still eat potato soup at 11 PM and guiltily snarf Lindt balls during portions of the day. I still have wine on the weekends. The only major change is Jillian Michaels. I’ve been doing that damned video three times a week for almost a month and you know – I have no fatskinny on my arms right now. For the first time in years.

I think maybe if I cut back on the at night eating and do the video 5 days a week, I might just be ready to post a real bathing suit picture – with a minimum of shame.